Please don’t get me wrong – I’m not complaining. I’m not even unhappy. I’m just having a little poor self-image issue this week.
Being a mother of twin toddlers has my psyche a bit scattered and I’m longing to feel more “together”. I used to get up every morning, do my hair, put on make-up, a cute outfit, good jewelry, grab my go-cup and drive to work. Even though I was usually doing battle with some-or-other person who thought they could bully their way around reality, I enjoyed work. Hey, I was good at what I did, plus, I got compliments almost every day – and it felt good. Now my days aren’t so much about what I know and how I present it, but more about what the babes need, i.e. I’m not directing the movie anymore.
So, it’s lack of control plus being pulled in a hundred directions at once. It doesn’t help that I currently don’t have a paycheck. Oh yeah, and my dad comes to stay with us every weekend. He’s so funny – he’ll do a big shop at Costco, and bring groceries – which is great, and very helpful – but he’ll bring such random ingredients that it’s like the Iron Chef challenge each week. Keeps me on my toes. Good for the right brain. Not great when having control issues.
The other thing that isn’t helping is that the babes are still sleeping in our room. The nursery is waaay at the other end of the house, and they really do still need us when there’s a binky down or they get that sad, lonely cry in the middle of the night. Because of that, I usually don’t get to shower until they are well into their AM nap – sometime after 11 at this point. It just makes for a lot of sloppy pajama time for me, which is not who I am. So I have to be really quiet to avoid waking them which usually works pretty well. I just hate those mornings when I can’t seem to put together an outfit, so I came up with a saying/mantra/theorem/crazy voice in my head that says “Don’t look a gift-outfit in the mouth.” It works. You just grab the thing that’s staring you in the face, even if you think you don’t feel like wearing it, at least you are dressed before the babes wake up! Ha, victory.
So, it’s the little things that help me pull myself together. In the end, love will get me through and I know this is just a moment in time, but in this moment I need to get my toes done.